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Robert Grisham Posts

A New Phase of Parenting

I’ve been thinking a lot about the parenting journey that we’ve been on. Mandy and I have spent the last 18 years seeking to love, protect and raise Adam, with the goal being that he would grow into an adult who would make an impact on the world. I was 30 years old when he was born. In that moment a new level of responsibility was thrust upon me that was unlike anything I had experienced before. My main role in life was now to be a dad. Most days I had no idea what I was doing, but I took the on the job training seriously.

In those early years the primary task was just keeping the kid alive. Was he eating? Sleeping? Was he healthy? I remember when he fell off our bed. He was so little. And we were so scared. But he was ok. God knew that parents would occasionally allow their babies to roll off beds, so he created them with a bit of bounce. We made our share of mistakes, but we loved this child, and our biggest longing was that we would be good parents to him.

As he grew up and became a very active and busy boy, that job of keeping him safe only grew. There was a new level of independence in him where he wanted to do things himself. Our role was even more critical. If left to his own devices things would not end up well.

Not only did we have to keep him from getting hurt, but we also had to shepherd his heart. How would we help him when he faced rejection by friends? Or disappointment when making a bad grade in school? We hated seeing his heart hurt. This was often more painful than seeing him physically hurt. As we know, those heart wounds can last way longer than the physical ones.

And we knew that we while we would be the ones tending to those wounds, we would also be the ones at times causing them.

Boyhood was sweet. We managed to keep him safe and healthy. We managed to guard his heart as much as we were able. And then he entered the teenage years. Things changed. Our role began to change. It was during these years that he would begin to transition from boy to man. We had a big role to play in helping that transition take place in a healthy way. We would need to give more freedom. We would have to let go more often, which was tough since there were so many opportunities for him to get hurt. And not just hurt like falling off the bed. The hurts were getting bigger.

I did my best in trying to be intentional about guiding him into manhood. We had somewhat weekly breakfasts. We read some books and memorized some Scripture together. More than anything, my goal was to create moments with him. Moments that would mark him and that he could look back on. More than anything I wanted to be present.

Around a year ago I knew that we were transitioning to a new phase of parenting, and this new phase would be very different from the previous ones. It was now time to begin preparing to launch him into the world. It was almost time to let him go. During the last year I have at times felt like that 30 year old new dad who felt helpless and who most days had no clue how to do the job.

I have spent the last 18 years trying to keep my kid safe. And now I’m meant to let him go! That is such a strange shift. Over the last year I’ve had friends ask me how I’m doing in preparing for this transition. The one word that’s most fit is the word “weird.” It’s going to be weird when he’s gone. It’s going to be weird when we leave him in his dorm tomorrow morning. It’s going to be weird when I don’t see him virtually every day of his life.

It’s going to be weird. And hard.

But this is the point we’ve come to.

Last year we watched a documentary on Netflix called Our Great National Parks. Barack Obama narrates it. I remember watching the episode about Monterey Bay. It features Northern Elephant Seals. The mama seal comes to shore to give birth to a pup. For the next month her only priority is to feed and protect her baby. But after a month she has to return to sea to feed herself. And she leaves the pup to fend for himself. And then we learn that she’s never going to return to him. You see the mama leaving and the pup crying. And now I’m crying. Dang you Barack Obama.

Apparently this is the way that God designed things. I’m just grateful that I’ve had 18 years rather than one month.

In some ways I’m ready. For the last year our son has been itching for more independence. That’s how he’s been wired. And it’s time for him to leave the house. He needs it. And we need it. A year or so ago Mandy showed me a video of Jerry Seinfeld on the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon asks him how things are going now that his oldest child is in college. Jerry said it’s kind of like having a baby alligator. It’s so cute. People come over to see the baby alligator, to feel its baby alligator teeth. But then some years go by, and the baby alligator becomes a big alligator, and at some point you say, “We’ve got to get this thing the hell out of here!”

Man, do I resonate with this. It’s time. It’s time to launch the kid into the world. It’s the right time. Adam craves independence because it’s time for him to take on more responsibility.

Adam is ready. He knows who he is. Though it’s weird and hard, I am able to let go in large part because I am confident that he is going to thrive in this next phase of his life.

I need to mention that we haven’t been on this journey by ourselves. We’ve had other parents to walk alongside. We’ve had grandparents and aunts and uncles helping us. There have been great teachers and mentors. Church communities and ministry leaders. We’ve had a community that we’re thankful for.

I don’t know what the drive home tomorrow will be like. I’ve never experienced this before. But I think we’re going to be ok.

Gratitude and Contentment

I consider gratitude and contentment to be super powers. In a way they are such simple things. We teach kids from an early age to say thank you, and we encourage them to play with and enjoy the toys that they have rather than always wanting more. Gratitude and contentment are practices. They require intentionality. They require practice.

If I’m going to become a grateful person, I must practice gratitude. How do I do this? One exercise is to take a couple of minutes and write down 10 possessions that you enjoy, that bring you happiness, and that you are in turn grateful for. So often we take things for granted. I remember when we bought our current house almost ten years ago. After we moved in, there were so many things that Mandy and I were grateful for. Our previous home was on a corner lot and therefore didn’t have a driveway. A driveway is not a huge thing, and it was something that we got used to not having. But now we had one, and it was great. It meant we could get a basketball goal. And it meant at least one of us didn’t have to park on the street. We found ourselves rehearsing together all of the awesome things with our new house. We were grateful for it, and we were going to enjoy it.

We bought a hot tub a few years ago. I’ve always heard that the majority of people who buy hot tubs end up not using them that often. They often leave them sitting, and they therefore end up having to continue to put money into the hot tub for repairs. At some point they try to sell or even give away the hot tub. I resolved early on that if we were going to have a hot tub, we were going to enjoy it. And we were going to take care of it. We have weekly chores with the hot tub, and my primary chore is the quarterly draining, cleaning and refilling. Taking care of this expensive purchase brings greater appreciation for it. I want what I’ve spent my hard earned money on to last. We take greater pride in the things that we take care of.

Are there purchases I’ve made that I’ve regretted? Absolutely. When the pandemic began in the spring of 2020, we recognized that we were most likely going to be spending a lot of time at home for the next few months. So we decided to buy an above ground pool. I got a killer deal on a pool, and we spent a day putting it together. It took up most of the backyard. We then had to fill it up, and then it took quite awhile before the water was warm enough to swim in. We spent a fair amount of time that summer in it, but it was difficult to keep clean. We kept the water in it through the next fall and winter. And during that winter we had some very cold days. I had bad dreams about waking up to find that the liner had burst and our yard (and my office) had flooded. That thankfully didn’t happen, but it was something I worried about. When we opened it back up that spring, it was even more difficult to clean. We rarely used it that summer, and by the end we had had enough and were ready to get rid of it. We drained it, allowed it to dry, and then took it apart. Mandy posted it on the Buy Nothing Facebook Group, and we gave it away to a nice family.

Soon after getting rid of the pool we decided that we needed to do some work in our backyard. It obviously was in way worse shape than it had been prior to having the pool. We ended up hiring a landscaper, who planted trees and other plants, added hardscape, and planted fescue grass. I enjoy my backyard so much more now. Every time I sit in the Adirondack chairs listening to the fountain, I’m grateful. The pool purchase wasn’t the best one, but it led to this.

Here’s something I’ve learned: Consumerism fights against gratitude and contentment. Why? Because it’s all about getting more. It kills contentment, but it also kills enjoyment. Here’s a question to ask yourself: Do you enjoy the things you have, or do you focus more on what you don’t have?

I experienced this recently. I had decided that perhaps it was time to purchase a new (to me) vehicle. For about a week I took a deep dive on researching vehicles. I had been looking at trucks, but then decided that perhaps I’d get a small SUV. I found a RAV4 Hybrid with really low miles. The dealer was offering me more on my current car than I had thought. The hook was in.

Mandy and I are committed to making large purchase decisions together. She didn’t feel great about it, and if I’m honest, I think I was looking for that because even though the hook was in, I was fighting it. I didn’t really need it, at least not right now. So I said no.

Consumerism is a vicious cycle. We buy something believing that it will satisfy us. And it does for a few days. But then the shine wears off, and we think we need something new. So we push that first purchase to the side and search for the next thing that will bring satisfaction. This cycle continues until you say enough.

We instead intentionally choose to actually enjoy what we have purchased. We are grateful for it. This leads to contentment, which leads to more gratitude, which then leads to greater contentment. It’s a powerful thing.

The day I said no to the new vehicle, I decided that I would practice gratitude and contentment with the car I currently have. It’s a really nice car. The way I practiced this was that I spent two hours washing, waxing, cleaning out and vacuuming it. It looked so nice after I had finished. I was taking pride in what I owned. I was going to enjoy it.

Spend Money on What Makes You Happy

Last week I listened to the Ramit Sethi podcast episode where he interviews Carl & Mindy Jensen. Mindy is the host of the BiggerPockets Money Podcast, and Carl writes at 1500 Days to Freedom.

Before sharing my thoughts on this podcast episode, I should say that one of the things I’ve always appreciated about Dave Ramsey is how caring he is when people are in a rough situation. The conversations are very therapeutic. He speaks truth in a sometimes harsh way, but you can also tell that he cares deeply and wants to help them. Ramit understands the psychology of money in a way that few others do. He’s great at asking questions, and most of the time they make people feel very uncomfortable. This interview was definitely the case.

The tagline of the episode is “We achieved FIRE with $4.3M. Why can’t we enjoy it?” Even though the Jensen’s are financially independent and only work because they want to, they are honest about the fact that money still has a strong grasp on their lives. At one point in the interview Ramit asked Mindy to share about a recent trip to Germany. Her initial response was a negative one, and this was due to how much they spent on airfare. And the reason this was her first response is that she felt bad because she didn’t use points. She paid full price. She’s supposed to be the money expert. How would those in the FIRE community feel about her? As Ramit pressed for more about the trip, she shared about all of the great experiences they had. But this lack of optimizing still loomed over everything.

I’ve listened to several of Ramit’s interviews. There’s often one partner who holds so tightly to the money, which is frustrating to the other partner. That partner wishes his or her partner would stop being so cheap, especially when the amount of money they have in the bank tells them that they don’t have to be cheap. In the case of Carl and Mindy, it seems like both have been called cheap.

I have mixed feelings about this interview. I on many occasions have been labeled as cheap. And while others might have scoffed, I looked at it as a badge of honor. I remember in college even redefining it. Cheap was a negative word. I preferred the word “simplicity”. It’s been 25 years since that revelation, and in the time since I have continued to wrestle with the role of money in my life. I want to continue to listen to Ramit because it doesn’t seem like he struggles with a scarcity mentality when it comes to money. At the root that’s what I struggle with, and it seems to be what Carl and Mindy struggle with as well. There is a fear that our money could run out. It’s not a rational fear, but it’s a fear nonetheless.

At the same time, I often feel like Ramit doesn’t give enough space to allowing people to spend their money on what makes them happy. When I spend money on something that I think isn’t worth it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. At this point in my life I know what makes me happy, and I have absolutely no problem spending money on those things. Here are some examples…

I enjoy cooking. I actually prefer cooking to going out to eat. Therefore I am ok spending a higher amount of money on good food to cook at home.

I enjoy traveling. While I love optimizing travel through credit card rewards, we still spend a good chunk of money each year on travel. We don’t feel bad about that.

We spend a lot of time at home. Mandy works from home a couple of days a week, and I work from home every day of the week. We enjoy our evenings at home, and therefore have spent money on making this a restful and enjoyable place. Over the years we’ve invested in a screened in back porch, a hot tube, and a pretty backyard.

As important as knowing what it is that makes me happy, it’s perhaps even more important to know what doesn’t make me happy. Here’s a few of those things…

  • New cars
  • Fancy meals
  • Going out every night
  • Nice clothes

My list isn’t important. What is important is to come up with your own list. Be bold in spending money on the things that make you happy. And be equally bold about saying no to those things that don’t.

Know Your Numbers

There are two exercises that I encourage anyone who desires to begin mastering their money to do.

The first is to track your spending for a month. This should lead to you becoming more pro-active in spending your money on the things that matter most. Here is a worksheet you can download. There are also lots of Google Sheet or Excel templates you can download if you prefer a digital option. After going through the exercise you may decide that one month isn’t enough. I still track mine. It’s something that I’ve done for a long time.

The second is to calculate your net worth. How do you do this? You write down all of your assets in one column, and then you write down all of your liabilities in another column. Add up both columns, and then subtract your liabilities from your assets. The number you come up with is your net worth. Here’s a worksheet you can download.

I’ve discovered in my own life and in the lives of friends that there is one primary reason that we don’t take the time to know our numbers. It’s not busyness. It’s fear. We’re afraid that we won’t like what we see, so we choose to remain ignorant. Yet we know that awareness is the first step of any vision. And that’s why it’s important that we know and understand our numbers, even if at the beginning we don’t like what we see. Once we have awareness, we can now make goals.

Money – Stop Playing the Game

I first became familiar with Derek Sivers in 2015 after hearing him on the Tim Ferris podcast. Shortly after I read his first book, Anything You Want, which was recently re-released with additional chapters.

Today I listened to his latest interview on Tim’s podcast. It’s a great episode, and clocks in at a strong three hours. The entire interview is great, but I want to share one thing I learned. If you’d like to listen to it, this part begins around the 2:11:00 mark.

Derek is talking about video games. He shared about how there is the temptation to continue playing even after you’ve beaten the game; even after there are no additional rewards. Then he said, “Isn’t that the definition of addiction?” He then defines addiction as “Continuing a behavior even though it’s not rewarding you anymore.”

Then he made the jump to how he thinks about making money. He said, “It’s a game I decided to stop playing because I had enough.” Understanding what you need, and then making the intentional decision to stop once you get there, is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now.

Sivers shares two examples of people who have done this. Gotye wrote the song “Somebody that I Used to Know” in 2011. It was a huge hit, and could have carried him for years. Yet a couple of years later he retired. He decided that he didn’t want to be singing that song for the rest of his life.

Cameron Diaz was the 5th highest grossing actress, and yet she too decided to quit. She wanted something different from life.

Sivers then referenced Felix Dennis, the author of How to Get Rich. He said that he read that right after selling CD Baby and had a lot of money. He made the decision to put the company in a trust before the sale, which meant that he never touched any of the $22 million it sold for. I believe I read that he receives a small percentage every year, which pays all of his expenses. He knew that he didn’t need $22 million.

Here’s the quote he shared from Felix Dennis that impacted him: “If I had my time again, knowing what I know today, I would dedicate myself to making just enough to live comfortably, as quickly as I could, by the time I was 35. I would then cash out and retire to write poetry and plant trees.”

Sivers decided to heed this advice. He quit the game of making money. And it seems to me that he continues to bear fruit as a result of this intentional and counter-cultural decision.

So why do we continue to make money when we have enough? It seems like a simple thing, yet it is very normal. I don’t know if it’s the case for everyone, but I see two primary reasons for why we do this.

First, we continue to play the game because we fear that the money will run out. It’s just human nature, and the amount of money that we have in the bank is the not the primary indicator. We can live with a scarcity mentality, or we can live with an abundance mentality. It takes discipline, but it’s our choice.

The second reason we continue to play the game of making money is that it makes us feel better about ourselves. I believe that we were created to be creators and cultivators. This is part of our core identity. Yet it’s so easy for it to be taken to an extreme and become corrupted.

It’s important to understand your motives for making money. It’s important to understand your motives of why you want to do a certain deal. Sometimes we make money because we need to eat. That’s where things start. But as we get older and grow in our careers, our motives change.

Our identity is tied up in our work. When we are producing, we feel better about ourselves. Ego can be a good thing, but it can also lead us into dangerous territory.

In a future post I plan to share how I’ve been working through this issue in my own life and business.

Connect Your Money to Your Vision

In my Mastering Money Workshop we discuss spending, investing and earning money, but before we get to those great topics, we begin with vision. Why is that? Because I’ve learned that everything flows from vision. Everyday each one of us makes financial decisions. They may be small or they may be large. But whether we like it or not, they flow from the vision and values that we have. The problem comes when we haven’t taken time to ensure that our vision and values are actually ours and not those that culture encourages us to have.

I love this quote from Chris Mamula…

We align our money with our values to build the lives we want rather than the ones we’re “supposed” to live. This requires intentionality, doing things differently than the majority who surround you.
Chris Mamula, Choose FI

Culture is always trying to sell us on what will make us happy, but we have to make sure that we are digging deeper to uncover what is truth and what is a lie. As Chris says, it takes intentionality.

The week before my first workshop, I sent out a survey to all those who had signed up. One of the questions that I asked was “What does financial independence mean to you?” Here are some of the responses…

  • Having well laid out values that drive our financial decisions. Having enough money for everything we need and some of the things we want. Having practical financial behaviors that we use routinely and that can adapt as our life changes.
  • Freedom from the fear and the lack of time that financial challenges can cause. Freedom to do work that is fulfilling, and to do it on a timeline that brings me joy. Freedom to be generous.
  • Knowing where and how money is spent, having funds to do things our family enjoys, living within comfortable means, ability to make financial choices in my children’s best interests, and having a comfortable amount of discretionary money.
  • Feeling more free to travel, and be generous. Using money to celebrate life well.
  • Relationships not being burdened with money trouble. Being able to afford to have children.
  • Feeling safe and having a large margin for hospitality, travel, and including/sharing those things with others!
  • Less worry when I do want to treat myself
  • Being able to support myself and my family in the present and future without having to compromise too much on expenses.
  • Not worried every month if we have enough.

As you can see, a question like this gets to the root desires that we have. Financial independence isn’t first and foremost about having a certain amount of money in the bank. It starts with those hopes closest to your heart. Things to buy might be a part of it, but not nearly as much as freedom, relationships and experiences.

Once we take time to clarify the vision for our life, we can then begin to develop the strategies and tactics to get us from here to there.

But it starts with vision.

Why I Write About Money

For as long as I can remember I’ve been fascinated by money. I remember a time growing up when I was aware of the fact that we didn’t have much money. And I remember times when I was aware that we were very comfortable. I don’t believe there was a time in my life where I ever felt that my parents didn’t have the financial resources to take care of me. We always had enough. Though “need” and “want” often get confused, I don’t really remember times when my parents said no to something I needed.

I have always been frugal. I’ve always loved getting a good deal. Even when my parents were buying things for me, I never wanted to pay full price.

When I was in college I opened my first mutual fund after reading a book by Larry Burkett. And then after college I moved to Nashville. My first job had me sitting at a desk doing accounts receivable all day, but my manager allowed me to listen to the radio through headphones. It was there that I discovered The Dave Ramsey Show, and I listened to it everyday.

It was from listening to Dave Ramsey that I began budgeting and investing. I didn’t make much money, but my expenses were very low. In a notebook I wrote down every expense I had on a daily basis. Through Dave Ramsey I was also introduced to compound interest, which taught me that the earlier I got started investing, the better. So that’s what I did. I opened a Roth IRA, contributing $166/month.

Mandy and I were dating at the time and were seriously contemplating getting married. We had some conversations about money, but not that many. I’ve come to believe in the years since that every person has a relationship with money. Some relationships are good, while others are not so good. And we’re often unaware of how that relationship impacts our daily decisions. And then when we get married, we bring that relationship with money into our new marriage.

We’ve all heard the stats that say that money is often at the center of strife within a marriage, and this was true with us as well. Because we hadn’t taken the time as individuals to understand the role that money played in our own lives, we had no idea how to bring it into our marriage. It’s human nature to assume that everyone thinks like we do. This can get us into trouble on a lot of things, but it’s definitely true with money. Often one spouse is a spender at heart, while another is a saver. We found early on that we’re both spenders, but what we spend money on is different.

Mandy and I have been married for almost 24 years. There were a few years in which we both wondered if our conflicts over money might do us in. I imagine I’ll share some of that in future posts. But for now let me just say that we met the conflicts head on and over time learned how to talk about money. We developed some habits that have not only allowed us to survive but actually to thrive. We still come at money differently, but we’ve learned how to value and learn from those differences.

So money has impacted my individual life as well as my marriage. I’ve also seen how it impacts the lives of others, in both positive and negative ways. When I was a young pastor, money was one of those things that I tended to avoid talking about. I knew it was a taboo topic, and I really just didn’t know how to talk about it. But over time I began to understand what a central and critical role it played in people’s lives, so I began to learn how to talk about it.

In November, 2022 I taught my first Mastering Money workshop at my church. Over the previous six months I had spent countless hours going back over my favorite resources and then writing the curriculum. That Saturday morning in November I spent three hours with a group of about 20 people from my church. There was great discussion amongst the group, and I think we all took things from the morning that will continue to impact the way we handle our finances.

I remember being exhausted when I got home that Saturday, but I also remember feeling very grateful and satisfied. I had spent many hours preparing for this, but I felt like it was totally worth it. I had helped to meet a real felt need, and I had thoroughly enjoyed it. Over the coming weeks I decided that I wanted to help people learn how to master their money. This was a clarity that I normally do not have, but I had it with this. I didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but I wanted to begin to try to figure it out.

How I Remember What I Read

I’ve always been a big reader. Each year I set goals for what and how much I want to read, and I track everything on GoodReads. One of the biggest challenges for readers is remembering what we’ve read. Have you ever had a moment where you remembered a bit of a story or idea that you once read, but you had no idea where it came from? It’s happened to me many times.

Through the years I’ve tried many different systems to make sure that I remember, and can locate, what it was that I’ve read and found helpful. When I was a young pastor, after I would read a book I would go back through it and type out quotes and thoughts I had as I read. This obviously took some time, but it was a great solution. This second time through a book allows the major takeaways to become more sticky, which is the whole idea. I actually just located the folder I labeled “My Book Summaries” on my MacBook, and there are over 40 documents.

This addresses one of the issues – that of how to truly internalize what you’ve read. But while it took the best ideas from books and put them into a digital document, it didn’t provide a great solution for easily locating those ideas at a later date. The bigger problem was that as I got busier with work and life, I quit taking notes this way.

The Kindle was a real game changer for me. I’ve never owned an actual Kindle, but I’ve been using the Kindle app for a long time. I actually purchased my first Kindle book way back in 2009. I say it was a game changer because once this technology surfaced, I began reading just about everything digitally. I preferred digital over physical for two reasons. First, I didn’t have to worry about running out of room on my bookshelves. Second, I could highlight important things I read, and then cut and paste those highlights into a word processor doc. So that’s what I began doing. It was way faster. It unfortunately did not have the same impact as when I would read the book the second time and actually type out those notes. But the positive was that I had highlights for many more books.

This summer I started writing the curriculum for a financial workshop I led at my church called Mastering Money. I decided to use Ryan Holiday’s Notecard System. The gist of the system is that you wait a couple of weeks after finishing a book, and then you go through that book a second time and write down the things that impacted you most. So I bought 4×6 notecards and a box to hold them, and then I set out going through every book on money that I had read in the past. I wrote down quotes, questions, big ideas, etc, and in the top right hand corner I would give the card a tag. Once I had gone through all of the books and had several hundred cards, I set out to organize the cards according to tag. From there I started writing the curriculum. This made the daunting task of writing the curriculum for a three hour workshop way less daunting, and I’m so glad that I went through the process.

At the end, however, I decided that this system had some drawbacks. First, my handwriting is terrible. I would write a few sentences on a card, and even I would have trouble reading it! Second, it takes a lot of time to write. I am much faster at typing than writing. Finally, what happens if I lose those cards? I wanted a digital solution.

A few months ago I was introduced to Tiago Forte through the All the Hacks Podcast. It was through this podcast interview, and through further reading about Tiago, including his great book Building a Second Brain, that I began to take steps towards creating a system for remembering and easily recalling what I’ve read.

This interview first introduced me to the app Readwise. I started out with a two month trial, but after a few weeks of using the app I became a paying subscriber. Readwise imports highlights from Kindle, Pocket, Feedly, Instapaper, Apple Books, Twitter, and many other platforms. Every morning, at the time I specified when setting up the app, I receive an email with five random highlights from books I’ve read. It’s fun to read this quick email and be reminded of the books that I’ve read through the years.

Here’s why I love Readwise. When I’m reading in the Kindle app on my iPad, I can add a one word note that begins with a period (.contentment, for example), and then that becomes a tag in Readwise. So just as I sorted those physical notecards by the tags I gave it in that upper right hand column, now I can do that digitally. It’s going to take some time to go back through my books and add those tags, but that is my plan. Once I’ve done this, I’ll be able to go into Readwise, select a tag, and I’ll see every quote or note that contains that tag. It will be so helpful when writing a sermon or article.

Here’s how I’m currently using this system. I recently read the book From Strength to Strength, by Arthur Brooks. It was one of those books that I knew I would want to go back to, so I opened a Apple Notes doc on my MacBook, and had my iPad next to it with this book pulled up. I had a browser tab opened up to this book’s highlights in Readwise. I began to reread the book, and when I would come across something that I highlighted, if it was still meaningful, I would add it to Apple Notes. If it was the entire highlight, I would simply copy and paste it from Readwise. Since I had not started tagging at the time I first read the book, I also used this time to add those tags. Once I was finished going through the book this second time, I had a doc with my main takeaways.

Readwise recently introduced Reader, which is their own RSS reader app, so now I can do the same thing with articles. If I start reading an article online that I think is going to be a good read, I immediately send it to Reader, and I either read it from the Reader app then or save it for later. In the Reader app I can highlight and add notes and tags, and those highlights, notes and tags then sync to Readwise.

I’m am really excited about this new system. Reading a good book is great. A book can provide inspiration, information, or simply fun. It can give you that one idea that takes your life in a new direction. But now I’ll be able to go back to what I read days, weeks or even years before, and allow it impact me once again.

Parenting with Vision and Intentionality

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting lately. My parenting journey began on June 13, 2005 when Adam entered our world. He is now a senior, and in less than six months we’ll be dropping him off at UT for him to begin his college journey. I pause to reread this last sentence and I admit that I have several different emotions. I’m excited for him. This is how things are supposed to go. But I’m also sad. It’s going to be so strange when he’s no longer living with us.

Parenting is no spectator sport. It’s the best job I’ve ever had, and it’s also been the most challenging job I’ve ever had. I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong. And I feel like I kind of stumbled into a lot of the things that I’ve gotten right.

One of my core beliefs during this parenting journey has been that God loves my kids even more than I do, and God is going to help them during those times when my best efforts simply fall short. That belief has been a foundation that has kept me moving when it seemed like I was on such shaky ground.

While I believe that there’s no way to be fully prepared for parenting, and that you’re going to get things wrong as much or more often as you get them right, I want to share two things that have helped me tremendously.

The first thing is Vision. Mandy and I were married for six years before Adam came along. During those times we were figuring out what it meant to bring two lives together. We moved across the country for grad school. We set up three homes together. We shared lots of adventures. And we also had many conversations about what we hoped for if we were able to have children.

One area that we talked a lot about was music. Mandy and I met and fell in love with music surrounding us. It’s always played a big role in our lives, and we naturally desired for it to play a big role in our kids’ lives as well. We imagined all of the different ways that music would surround our family, with an ultimate goal that music would play a large role in their lives as children but also as adults.

While vision is important, it’s not enough. We also need Intention. We have to make decisions that allow for the vision to be fulfilled. It means saying yes to certain things, and it also, perhaps more important, means saying no to certain things. After all, we can’t do everything.

We knew that there were two extremes that we could be guilty of. The first was forcing music down their throats so much that they ended up hating it. The second was simply doing nothing and just hoping that they vision would happen. We wanted to avoid both of those extremes, but we understood that in seeking to avoid the second extreme, we ran the risk of doing the first. But it was a risk that we were willing to take.

While both boys were little, our house was always full of singing. Mandy was a music teacher, so she had the goods. My guitar was always out. Singing silly songs was my specialty. Adam got his first drum set when he was two. It was a plastic set that didn’t last very long. He got a nicer one when he was three. Not sure this is something I would now recommend, but I guess it fit the vision. Adam’s favorite song at age 4 was “42” by Coldplay, which he called “The Ghost Song.” For Micah at that same age it was Mumford & Son’s “I Will Wait.” Both of those little guys would sing those songs at the top of their lungs. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m just glad they had good taste in music at such young ages!

Both boys began taking piano lessons when they were seven years old. And when Adam was 9 and Micah was 6 we purchased a baby grand piano. This was an expensive investment into the vision, but it was one of the best purchases we’ve ever made. And to this day that piano is played by someone in our house every day.

During the pandemic the boys stopped piano lessons. To give a bit of accountability, Mandy offered to pay the boys $5 for any song they learned, and $10 for any original song they wrote. They both took her up on this offer, and as a result started playing even more.

So where are we now? Micah is in the American Music Ensemble at his school. He’s one of only two 8th graders who have ever been invited to join this high school rock band. He plays keys. And Adam has shifted to electric guitar as his primary instrument. He told me yesterday that he’s made some videos on the Ultimate Guitar website, and he has several hundred views. I think we’re at a point where music is going to be a part of their lives. We don’t make them sit down and practice. That needed to happen when they were younger, but it’s no longer needed. They play music now because they enjoy it.

This vision and intention has played a role in other facets of our family’s life. We’ve created rhythms around fun activities, travel, reading, sports, academics and faith. Within all of these vision would lead the way, with intention following closely behind.

I will admit that this last one is a tricky one, primarily because of that first extreme I mentioned earlier. When I moved to Memphis after being in California for several years, one of the things that caught me off guard was how many people I met who felt like religion had been shoved down their throats. There was so much hurt and trauma. And because of that they really wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want that to happen to my kids, but I also knew that doing nothing was not a healthy option. Once again, we had to risk the first extreme in order to avoid the second.

If I’m being honest, I’d say this one is a mixed bag. Our boys haven’t had some of the opportunities that Mandy and I had when we were teenagers. There aren’t that many kids their ages in our current church. But we’ve sought to supplement where we could. Mandy created a youth ministry collaboration with some other churches a few years ago. We’ve gotten involved with YoungLife at both of their schools. And we’ve sought to encourage our boys to get to know and have mentors from other generations. I’m so grateful for the men and women who have invested in our boys’ lives.

This weekend was a great parenting moment. I had signed up for a men’s retreat at our church. On Friday Mandy texted to ask if I had considered inviting Adam. The thought had crossed my mind a week earlier, but I had just assumed that he wouldn’t be interested. But I decided to ask. He was at school, so I just texted him. I told him that he would be the youngest one there, although he was closer to a lot of their ages than I was. (Yes, I’m one of the older ones at our church). Within about a minute he texted that he’d love to come with me. I was surprised but thrilled.

The weekend was a powerful one. He was around guys who are far from perfect but who are doing the work, and they were vulnerable in sharing about that work. Our retreat ended with writing and then speaking blessings over one another. When it got to Adam’s turn half of the group of men had written blessings for him. By the time it was my turn I was so overwhelmed that I could barely read the words that I had written to him. It was such a moving experience to have these men speak such powerful words over my son. And I believe that it will be an experience that will shape the rest of his life. As we were leaving he told me that he had never had a group of adults treat him like an adult instead of a kid. And when I got home that night Micah asked if he’d be able to go in a few years!

When I retired from vocational ministry a few years ago, one of the main reasons was that I was on the verge of burnout, and I knew that if I continued to live life the way I was living it, which was not working for myself or for those around me, then I was going to risk falling short in my primary job of being a dad. I knew I was coming to the critical teenage years, and I needed to be present and healthy. If I was a hollow version of myself, I was going to be unable to give them what they needed from me. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but it was needed, and I’m thankful for the courage to make it. I’m grateful for these years. I’ll never get them back. And I’m grateful for this parenting journey. For those of you also on this journey, or for those of you who desire to be on this journey one day, I hope that reading this part of my story has been encouraging to you!

My First Ebike

One of the questions that Tim Ferriss asks his podcast guests is, “What’s been your favorite under-$100 purchase this last year?” I’ve always loved that question, as I always have a good answer for it.

In this blog post I’m sharing about a recent purchase that I’m very happy about, and though it was more than $100, it’s been totally worth it.

In October I purchased my first ebike. Before I tell you about it, let me set up the back story. In October, 2021 Mandy and I took a trip to Bar Harbor, Maine. On one of our days there we rented bikes. I rented a regular bike for me and an ebike for Mandy. After riding around Duckbrook Pond together, she wanted to walk around and take photos, so I decided to take the ebike for a spin. I absolutely loved it.

Fast forward to our trip last summer to Switzerland. One of the highlights for me was renting an ebike and riding from Lauterbrunnen to Interlaken, and then taking the train back to Lauterbrunnen. What I discovered was that I could ride a much greater distance on an ebike than a regular bike. And a greater distance means more great things to see.

This past fall the four of us were back in Bar Harbor, and we rented bikes again. The boys and I rented regular bikes, and Mandy rented an ebike. And like last time, after spending some time riding together, I took off on my own on the ebike. I think I ended up riding 20 miles that day.

That evening I started doing some research on ebikes, and as luck would have it, Rad Power Bikes was having the biggest sale they had ever had. The Rad Mission was on sale for $500.

I had three goals with this purchase. First, I wanted to ride more frequently. This is the exercise and fun goal. Second, I wanted to be able to ride greater distances when I rode. And third, I wanted to drive my car less often.

This third goal was inspired by Mr. Money Mustache. Based on this, a specific goal was to bike to Kroger whenever I needed just a few items. Like many midtowners, the Kroger on Union isn’t my favorite place to go. One of the issues is the parking lot. This year I purchased a Walmart Plus membership, so we’ve been having our groceries delivered once or twice a month. But there’s still the need to stop by Kroger every once and a while, but “just stopping by” can be aggravating. But riding my bike, and securing it right in front…that sounded appealing.

So those were my three goals. After a few days of research, I took the plunge. I found out later that the reason for the sale was that they were discontinuing the Mission. Some have been concerned about this. I wasn’t.

Here’s what I liked about this bike…

  • Price – just $500!
  • Single speed
  • Lighter than most ebikes yet feels solid
  • Battery is sufficient for my needs
  • Throttle

Besides the bike, I knew that I would need some accessories. Here are the accessories I ended up purchasing.

I spent around $800 total for the bike and accessories. I was quite pleased.

There was one issue, though…

Rad underestimated how many people would take advantage of this sale, which meant that they oversold. I lucked out that I still got a bike, but I ended up getting a different color than the one I ordered, and it also meant that there was a long delay. The bike didn’t arrive until the beginning of December.

It came in a box, which meant that I needed to figure out how to assemble a bike. I ended up buying a torque wrench but had the other tools I needed. Rad provides some helpful video instructions, so it ended up being easier than I thought it would be.

I rode a couple of times in December, but in January I rode several times. Aren’t mild January’s just the best! I’m looking forward to riding even more once spring rolls around.

I can without hesitation recommend an ebike. And though my particular model is no longer available, I can recommend RadPower as a great company.